Making it Real

The re-commitment paperwork was due on Thursday, so Saturday was a celebration of sorts. Yogurt sundaes following this week’s mileage.

Even keeping in mind that the people doing the Disney 1/2 Marathon and those doing the Long Beach Full Marathon were doing more miles than I was, 7 miles still felt like a hell of a lot. It was the first moment I actually conceived of the sort of physical endurance this was going to require. It was also the moment I allowed myself to feel glad and not mildly ashamed that I’d chosen to do the half marathon this go around.

I’m not terribly competitive (okay, I like to be right, I like to be perfect) but I’m not… racing doesn’t thrill me. I always hated the actually meet parts of swim team, particularly in high school where your competitors were people you’d otherwise like to hang out and eat pasta with. Plus, I’m lazy. I only wanted to do the “easy” events – the sprints – which were over quickly instead of the endurance events my body was more suited to.

This training is helping me internalize some of the things I’m competitive about, and matching them with stuff I’m not. I will work faster and harder when I think someone’s watching, but at the same time, I will also push myself harder than I expect. Even if it’s only a little, I’ll keep pushing, setting these personal goals and boundaries through the training session, modifying them to meet my endurance and abilities. I hit that moment of runner’s high on Saturday (for a minute, a sheer blissful minute) and now I understand the running just a little bit more. The way that it can feel like another set of movement, like another existence before the pain hits and exhaustion numbs your legs.